The Value of Couch Time

One of the questions that comes up when we talk about making decisions together as a married couple is a pretty practical one: how can your spouse really help you think through something when they don’t fully understand your work, your business, or all the details surrounding the decision?

For us, part of the answer goes back to a habit we started more than 30 years ago.

When Kylie was very young, we went through a parenting curriculum called Growing Kids God’s Way. There were plenty of things from that curriculum that we did not necessarily carry forward, but one idea stuck with us in a significant way: couch time.

The basic concept was simple. When one of us came home at the end of the day, we would intentionally carve out a few minutes to sit down together and talk. The original idea was that children benefit from seeing Mom and Dad intentionally connecting, because it gives them a sense of security and stability in the home.

So we started doing it.

At first, it was probably more about creating that sense of security for our kids, but over time something else happened. Couch time became part of the rhythm of our marriage. We began to genuinely look forward to those few minutes where we could sit down and share what had happened during the day, what we were thinking about, what had gone well, what had been frustrating, and what might be weighing on us.

And we never really stopped.

Even now, as empty nesters, we still find time during the day to connect in that way. Sometimes it happens at the end of the day, and sometimes our schedules mean it happens earlier, but the habit is still there. It may only be 10 or 15 minutes, but it is intentional time where we slow down enough to pay attention to what is happening in each other’s world.

That intentionality has had an impact far beyond simply staying connected.

Because Lisa has spent years hearing about Chris’s work, she may not know every technical detail of a business situation, but she understands the people, the dynamics, the patterns, the pressures, and the way Chris tends to think through decisions. The same is true in reverse. When Lisa brings something she is processing, Chris may not know every detail of the circumstances, but there is enough shared context to ask good questions, offer another perspective, and help bring clarity.

That matters because some of the most important wisdom we receive in marriage does not come from someone knowing every detail. Sometimes it comes from someone knowing us.

There is a difference.

When we have taken the time to consistently share our lives with one another, we become better equipped to recognize when something feels off, when fear may be driving a decision, when excitement may be clouding judgment, or when one of us simply needs another perspective. We also become more able to pray specifically for one another because we actually know what the other person is carrying.

That is one reason we believe spouses can play such an important role in discernment, even when one person may know far more about the decision itself.

We do not need to become experts in each other’s work. We do need to become students of each other.

Couch time has helped us do that.

It has created a space where the details of life slowly become shared context. Over time, that shared context creates connection, and connection creates trust. It also makes it much easier to invite one another into significant decisions because there is already a foundation of understanding in place.

We have seen that rhythm continue through different seasons of life. There was even a season several years ago when Christopher and Michelle moved back in with us for an extended period because of health circumstances. Even then, couch time remained part of our routine. They understood that there was a period of time during the day when we were simply going to sit together and connect, because by then it had become part of the culture of our marriage.

The practice itself is not complicated, and it certainly does not require an actual couch. It simply requires being intentional.

Maybe it is 10 minutes after work. Maybe it is sitting at the kitchen table after dinner. Maybe it is a walk together in the evening. The location and length are not nearly as important as creating a consistent rhythm where you ask, “How was your day?” and then actually listen to the answer.

Those small conversations may not feel significant in the moment, but over time they shape a marriage.

They create connection. They communicate care. They help us understand each other’s worlds.

And perhaps most importantly, they give us the kind of shared life that allows us to walk through bigger decisions together when those moments come.

So maybe the question is not whether your spouse understands everything you do.

Maybe the better question is:

Have you given each other enough intentional time to truly understand one another?