When It Doesn’t Land The Same

Over the past couple weeks, Lisa and I have been unpacking how differently we see and process things. First, how she sees things I often miss. Then, what she sees in me and the way I tend to think and move. And as we’ve kept talking, we’ve realized there’s another side to all of that.

Those differences don’t just complement each other. Sometimes, they collide. Not in dramatic ways, but in subtle moments where something just doesn’t land the same between us. Over time, we started to recognize a pattern in those moments.

For Lisa, when something feels off, it can quickly turn inward. She’s described it as feeling like she’s not measuring up or not doing enough. There’s a sense of pressure that builds, and instead of pushing forward, her instinct is to step back. She gets quieter, processes internally, and tries to sort through what she’s feeling before bringing it out.

For me, it tends to go the other direction. When I sense something isn’t right, especially if I don’t fully understand it, I move toward it. I start trying to figure it out, solve it, bring clarity to it. If I’m not careful, that can come across as controlling, even if that’s not the intent.

And what we’ve learned is how quickly those two responses can feed off each other.

The more she pulls back, the more I feel the need to step in and fix what’s going on. The more I press in, the more she feels overwhelmed and pulls back even further. Before long, we’re not really responding to the original situation anymore. We’re reacting to each other.

What’s interesting is that we’re not actually disagreeing on direction in those moments. We’re just not experiencing the situation the same way, or moving through it at the same pace.

That’s what we’ve come to call our “pain cycle.” Not because either of us is doing something wrong, but because it’s what happens when we default to our wiring without recognizing what’s going on underneath.

The shift doesn’t come from fixing the situation as much as it comes from recognizing the pattern. When I slow down enough to step back, to trust, and to not feel the need to control the outcome, something changes. And when Lisa stays engaged, communicates what she’s feeling instead of holding it in, something changes on her side as well.

It’s still the same two people. The same tendencies. But a completely different outcome.

The more we’ve paid attention to this, the more we’ve realized that most tension in relationships isn’t really about the issue in front of us. It’s about the pattern we fall into when we don’t feel fully seen or understood.

And once you start to see that pattern, you can’t unsee it.